The world of domestic violence is a strange, puzzling, world to those of us that have never lived there. How can a man brutally injure his wife or child; Why does a woman stay where she is being raped or beaten.
Yes, women in your own neighborhoods are being raped and beaten by their husband, boyfriend, lover, father, brother, or even their own mother! You may notice a bruise here and there, a "scared rabbit " look on their face, a neighbor who never leaves her house. But we don't pry . You may hear shouting, an occasional crash But we don't pry.
Why doesn't she tell?
Why does she stay?
A woman being abused is often deceived, terrified, and confused. The abuser lies to the victim. He tells her she deserves to be punished. He tells her no one will believe her. He tells her that she cannot escape. He tells her that if she TRIES to escape, he will kill her or he threatens to take away her children if she complains. The abuser even tells her she WANTS to be raped and beaten.
After weeks, months, years and sometimes even Generations of abuse, the woman is convinced. She lies to cover for him, desperately tries to please this monster, and she sees no avenue of escape. She looks out her window to see mothers walking children to the park, station wagons driving off to the mall, wives laughing and joking with their husbands. She knows this will never be hers!
How does a woman cope with such a terrible life?
She seeks to please a man that will NEVER be pleased. She forgets, forgets, and forgets. She pretends it's not as bad as it truly is. She tells herself, "If I could be a better wife..." "if I could keep the house cleaner..." "if I was sexier, prettier, younger....." THEN he would love me!"
She copes
How does a woman cope with this? How does a little GIRL cope with this? Where does she hide? What is her escape?
Some woman hide inside their own minds, building walls to keep the pain away. They watch as from a distance as their body suffers, pretending it never happened. An abused woman or child sometimes uses a mechanism of the mind, called "Disassociation."
When a woman's mind is so overwhelmed with pain, terror, degradation, and humiliation that she can no longer contain it. She withdraws from the reality of it by separating herself from the experience through disassociating. She tells herself that it really did not happen to her. Often this is just a matter of hiding away, or forgetting, memories. So that by next year, one week, or one month never happened. She grows up with parts of her life missing, having no memory of being nine years old, for instance. No memory of living in a certain house. She does whatever it takes to hide the pain and terror of her abuse.
Some women flee much farther from their past. They truly become a different person, leaving behind a former self; leaving behind the pain and suffering. Hiding those memories, keeping them out of sight and mind because the pain is just too much.
Woman who have been repeatedly abused by a father, then a brother, then a boyfriend and even a husband often use this mechanism again and again to hide away memories, leaving a former "self," becoming once again a new and different personality. This level of disassociation is labeled as DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder) or MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder).
If one has never experienced DID or MPD, it is difficult to explain and is ultimately impossible to understand. We try to understand so we can minister to those who were so terribly hurt. Explanations are flawed and incomplete because we are trying to explain an experience for which there truly is no common language. It's just like trying to explain colors to a person that has been blind from birth. How do we understand and explain the reality of, at some level, being more than one person?
MPD is a survival mechanism. It is a device of the mind that allows a woman to go on with her life, even though terrible and cruel things were done to her. It is not a disease, nor is it a form of insanity. It is a way of coping. Just as your body uses "shock" to temporarily survive severe trauma. MPD is a helps a person survive extremes of abuse.
| Do you have Questions about MPD? |
{cont...}